The Fear of Being Forgotten: How Abandonment Anxiety shapes our Lives

Mariya was a 30-year-old who sought counseling from one of our psychologists. Married for five years, Mariya was going through a rough patch with his husband. She was staying alone during the time the sessions were held. She showed depressive symptoms, suicidal thoughts, and compulsively checked her husband's social media. As the sessions progressed, it was revealed that she felt abandoned by her mother throughout her childhood. She clung to her husband, her self-worth tied to him, to prevent being abandoned by him. It was found that she suffered from abandonment anxiety. 

Abandonment anxiety, also known as fear of abandonment, is a psychological condition marked by persistent worries about being abandoned, left alone, or rejected. This can significantly impair the individual’s emotional, social, and relationship functioning. This anxiety often stems from early experiences of loss, trauma, or unsteady attachments such as parental neglect during childhood. Still, it can also develop in adulthood due to significant relational breakdowns, losses, or betrayals. 

Symptoms 

1. Emotional instability and insecurity-

   They develop intense and fluctuating emotions, persistent feelings of insecurity, and constant anxiety that loved ones will leave them.

2. Inability to take criticism- 

   They are hypersensitive to criticism and have excessive emotional reactions to perceived slights or criticisms. They often view them as signs of approaching abandonment.

3. Trust issues- 

   They struggle to trust people in relationships, which can lead to conflicts, isolation, and a loss of genuine connection.

4. Fear of intimacy and commitment- 

   They avoid intimate relationships or sabotage them out of fear of being hurt again.

5. Clinginess and dependency- 

   They have an extreme need for reassurance, refuse to be alone, and have difficulty coping with separations.

6. Low self-esteem- 

   One of the key symptoms is low self-esteem. They have constant thoughts that they are unlovable or worthless.

7. Unhealthy coping mechanisms- 

   To escape from the pain, they might engage in substance abuse, overeating, or other addictive behaviors. 

Other symptoms include recurrent feelings of loneliness, people-pleasing behavior, and overanalyzing social interactions.

Causes of Abandonment Anxiety

1. Early attachment- 

   Childhood neglect, unstable caregiving, traumatic loss, or forms of abuse lead to the development of anxious attachment, increasing the risk of abandonment anxiety.

2. Repeated relational trauma- 

   Betrayals, deaths, or abrupt endings can trigger or worsen existing vulnerabilities.

3. Cognitive distortions- 

   Persistent beliefs about being worthless or undeserving of love influence their perception and behavior, shaping future relationships in unhealthy ways. 

   
   

Effects of Abandonment Anxiety 

1. Relationships- 

   Relationships are deeply affected by an individual’s abandonment anxiety. The fear of being abandoned can lead to clinginess, jealousy, possessiveness, emotional volatility, and pushing partners away. This reinforces their fear as these behaviors create a cycle where abandonment is highly likely.

   
   

2. Self-esteem and identity- 

   Their self-esteem will be severely damaged. Repeated conflicts or traumatic losses may cause feelings of worthlessness, persistent insecurity, and poor self-image. They may lose their sense of identity, who they truly are, in the process of keeping relationships alive.  They engage in constant self-blame, even when it’s not their fault that things didn’t work out. 

   
   

3. Behavior Patterns- 

   Individuals may adopt people-pleasing behaviors(even if they don’t like doing that action, they do it to gain the approval), develop trust issues, or stay in unhealthy or even abusive relationships just to avoid being alone.

   
   

4. Daily functioning- 

   To be always surrounded by people is an unlikely expectation.  They worry about being left alone, and this can impact work, social activities, and self-care, leading to depression, sleep disturbances, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and withdrawal. They might avoid trying new activities or experiences. 

   
   

   

   
   

5. Mental Health Disorders- 

   Abandonment anxiety increases the susceptibility of developing mental health conditions like depression, borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, or separation anxiety disorder in adults and children.

   
   

Treatment Approaches

Psychotherapy and structured interventions are key to managing abandonment anxiety. 

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)- 

   CBT is targeted towards challenging irrational beliefs and emotional reactions surrounding abandonment. Cognitive restructuring is used to help the client build positive thoughts. Exposure and problem-solving also help in building resilience.

2. Schema Therapy- 

   Schema therapy is based on transforming ingrained maladaptive schemas developed in early life. Techniques include imagery work, limited reparenting, behavioral pattern-breaking, and processing trauma memories.

   
   

3. Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT)- 

   This is a technique used to strengthen the ability to accurately interpret one’s own and others’ emotions, reducing the projection of negative intentions.

   
   

4. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)- 

   DBT is effective in developing skills for distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and mindfulness for stable relationships and coping with overwhelming feelings.

   
   

5. Psychodynamic Psychotherapy- 

   This technique involves exploring unconscious patterns and repetitive compulsions rooted in early abandonment, helping in emotional healing.

   
   

6. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)- 

   A technique used to reprocess trauma memories that fuel abandonment anxiety.

   
   

7. Somatic and mindfulness practices- 

   Body awareness, breathing exercises, and meditation can help calm down intense anxiety and provide grounding in the present.

   
   

8. Support groups- 

   Group therapy can reinforce perceptions of safety and belonging and reduce feelings of loneliness.

   
   

Abandonment anxiety is not a distinct psychiatric disorder, but it is a core feature of conditions like borderline personality disorder and certain attachment styles, especially anxious attachment. With early, effective support, you can prevent it from affecting every area of life.

If you’re struggling with these fears, you don’t have to face them alone. Online counselling in Malayalam with Koott offers a safe, private space to address abandonment anxiety, heal attachment wounds, and rebuild self-worth. Whether you’re navigating relationship challenges, coping with childhood trauma, or seeking culturally sensitive mental health support, our psychologists are here to guide you.

Self-Help and Coping Strategies

Some self-help strategies can also help individuals manage their anxiety in better ways.

1. Practice self-soothing- 

   Positive internal reassuring dialogues or affirmations can help to calm the individual and are very effective in managing stress.

   
   

2. Practice self-care- 

   Physical and emotional self-care practices support independence and decrease dependence on others for validation.

3. Nervous system regulation- 

   Practices such as yoga, stretching, or cold-water therapy can help manage high arousal states.

4. Journaling- 

   Journaling helps to keep track of triggers, responses, and progress. This promotes self-understanding, self-confidence, and growth.

5. Establish boundaries- 

   Establishing proper personal boundaries and protecting them is essential in building healthier relationships.

Abandonment anxiety can ruin your peace and happiness in the long run. You don’t have to be stuck with the constant worries of being left or abandoned by someone. Koott has seen many clients with abandonment anxiety, and one thing is for sure- Your anxiety does not have to control your life. 

Book your session today.