People-Pleasing and Mental Health: When Being ‘Nice’ Becomes Exhausting
- Ann Maria Thomson
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Have you ever stayed up late to complete your colleague’s work, despite having work piled up on your desk?
Have you ever bought food or drinks for your friends without expecting anything in return?
Do you find saying “no” one of the hardest things to do?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, you might be struggling with people-pleasing behavior. While being helpful and kind is admirable, constantly saying yes can quietly damage your mental health.
Many individuals don’t realize that people-pleasing and mental health are closely connected. When your self-worth depends on approval from others, exhaustion, anxiety, and emotional burnout often follow.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a common behavioral pattern, where individuals prioritize others' needs and approval over their own, often stemming from deep fears of rejection or conflict. Their self-worth is tied to their ability to help others. While helping others is generally a good thing, it can be detrimental when it comes at the expense of one’s personal well-being.
Do you habitually say yes to any requests?
Do you suppress your personal needs to fulfill others’ needs?
Do you constantly seek external validation, no matter how small the task turns out to be?
Exploring Childhood Origins of People-Pleasing Behavior
It has been observed that people-pleasing often stems from one’s childhood, where love felt conditional on being agreeable, helpful, or conflict-avoidant. These children were praised for being disciplined and obedient, which reinforced their people pleasing into adulthood. For those who grew up in dysfunctional families, they began acting as caregivers from early on, where they learnt to prioritize harmony over self-needs, embedding the pattern deeply. Childhood experiences often create a blueprint for adult relationships, making independence feel unsafe.
Signs Your People-Pleasing Behavior Is Affecting Your Mental Health
Chronic exhaustion from overcommitment
Persistent anxiety about others’ opinions
Apologizing excessively, even when not at fault
No time for self-care
Low self-esteem and feelings of hopelessness
When these signs persist, people-pleasing shifts from kindness to emotional self-neglect.
Why Saying No Feels So Scary
Have you ever thought what happens if you say no? Or what is stopping you from saying no? Saying no triggers intense fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment, often linked to low self-esteem and a belief that their needs rank lower than others'. This anxiety activates the brain's reward system via dopamine from approval, reinforcing avoidance of discomfort. It feels like a threat to emotional security, rooted in early learned patterns where disapproval equated to loss of love.
The Cycle of People-Pleasing and Its Aftermath
The cycle of people-pleasing starts with saying yes out of fear of abandonment or need for acceptance. But once you agree to others’ needs or even unwanted tasks, resentment builds up gradually towards yourself or others. Individuals can experience low self-esteem and emotional numbness, which signals a deeper disconnection from one's needs. Over time, it leads to overload, emotional and physical exhaustion from unmet needs. Without intervention, this loop diminishes self-worth, fosters hopelessness, sustains dependence on external validation, and can develop into depression and anxiety.
Is People-Pleasing the Same as Kindness?
Kindness stems from genuine empathy and allows you to help without resentment. When you’re kind to someone, you’ll try to help only if you can. You won’t hesitate to say no. If you help the person, you’ll feel good and happy after that. People-pleasing often arises from fear of rejection or conflict, leading to obligatory actions that drain energy. You can’t say ‘no’ even if you want to, and you feel unhappy even after fulfilling the request.
How to Set Boundaries to Protect Your Mental Well-Being
Acknowledge the feelings of guilt as normal. It is ok to feel guilty after rejecting somebody’s request.
Focus on long-term benefits. You will experience reduced stress and authentic relationships. Self-compassion will help you live a fulfilled life in the long run. You’ll thank yourself later for rejecting those requests.
Practice concise responses. You don’t have to explain every time for your ‘no’. Just say "no" calmly without over-explaining, apologizing, or justifying, such as "I can't do that."
Start small. Build tolerance through small experiments, like declining minor requests, and cultivate self-compassion to prioritize values over approval.
Therapy Support for People-Pleasers
Therapy is beneficial for people pleasers, empowering them to speak out their ‘no’ without feelings of shame and guilt.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is effectively used to reframe the negative thoughts that people pleasers carry with them. Identifying negative thoughts and reframing empowers them to answer with ‘no’ more frequently.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT is a therapeutic technique that fosters psychological flexibility, mindfulness, and values alignment to tolerate discomfort without pleasing others.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
DBT is used to help individuals learn to regulate their emotions, build emotional regulation, and interpersonal skills. Psychodynamic approaches are used to understand and explore the childhood roots that may have led to the current people-pleasing behavior.
People-pleasing won’t ultimately satisfy you.
Break the chains of pleasing and live a happier tomorrow.
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