Understanding Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships

We would like to share a case that has been brought to the attention of one of our therapists. Due to confidentiality reasons, let us name this client Raju. Raju, a 33-year-old male, sought individual therapy under one of Koott psychologists following repeated arguments with his partner about her interactions with male colleagues and friends. Apart from being jealous, he also reported frequently feeling anxious about being abandoned and compulsively checking her phone and social media. His partner, who also joined the session, described feeling controlled and emotionally exhausted. She decided to end the relationship but chose to give therapy a chance before deciding.

The case study we have shared is not uncommon. We have heard of similar cases within our community, among friends, and family. It’s not just men who have jealousy and insecurity issues, but also women, which in the long run can permanently destroy the relationship.

Jealousy and insecurity in relationships are often complex emotional experiences that can significantly affect relationship dynamics, satisfaction, and individual well-being. They can occur together, in the sense that the partner’s insecurity can fuel jealousy and vice versa, and their management is crucial for healthy partnerships.​

What Do Jealousy and Insecurity Mean in a Relationship?

• Jealousy-

  It is an emotional and defensive response to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, typically involving a third party regarded as a rival for affection or attention. The fear of losing their loved one to someone else can result in certain thoughts, feelings, and actions.

  
  

• Insecurity-

  Relationships refer to the self-doubt, fear, and uncertainty that stem from anxiety about one’s own worth, the stability of the relationship, or fear of abandonment. Low self-esteem, past experiences, or insecure attachment styles can develop insecurity in relationships.

Research indicates a strong correlation between insecure attachment styles (anxious and avoidant) and jealousy. An individual with high attachment anxiety tends to demonstrate more obsessive thoughts about potential infidelity, while those with an avoidant attachment style may emotionally withdraw.​

Several studies have pointed out that attachment insecurity is a significant predictor of jealousy. Those who scored high on romantic attachment anxiety reported higher levels of cognitive and behavioral jealousy.​

What are some common signs of Jealousy and Insecurity in relationships?

Common signs and symptoms of jealousy and insecurity in relationships include:

• Excessive questioning of a partner’s activities and motives

• Constant monitoring or stalking partner’s whereabouts and social media activity

• Repeated accusations without evidence and storytelling about imagined threats

• Feelings of inadequacy or lack of self-worth

• Emotional withdrawal or extreme dependence on the partner for reassurance

• Attempts to control the partner or restrict their social circle

• Heightened anxiety, possessiveness, and a persistent need for reassurance

Coming back to our case study, through multiple therapy sessions, the Malayali psychologist at Koott discovered that Raju’s early family experiences played a major role in shaping his current behavior. Growing up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged, he developed difficulties in managing emotions and trusting others, especially after witnessing parental infidelity. His previous relationships had also ended due to similar jealousy-driven patterns, further deepening his fear of abandonment.

Through consistent online counseling in Malayalam, Raju gradually learned to understand his emotional triggers, communicate his vulnerabilities more effectively, and replace accusatory behavior with healthy conversations. Over time, his compulsive behaviors reduced, allowing him to build emotional safety and trust in his relationship.

How Therapy Helps Manage Jealousy and Insecurity

There are several therapeutic techniques that are used by therapists in dealing with these issues. These include:

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

   CBT is used to identify the negative, irrational thought patterns and focuses on challenging these thoughts that fuel jealousy (eg, catastrophizing). Cognitive restructuring is used to modify the individual’s beliefs related to self-worth, abandonment, and perceived rivalry and helps decrease compulsive checking or reassurance seeking.​

1. Communication and Assertiveness Training

   Effective communication is the key to any healthy relationship. This training enables couples to learn open, non-accusatory communication about insecurities and boundaries.​ Often, blaming one another is so common in relationships. Assertiveness techniques are useful in expressing needs without controlling or blaming the partner.

   
   

2. Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

   Mindfulness techniques focus on being present in the moment. It is about being aware of jealousy triggers and bodily reactions without acting impulsively. Emotional regulation training enables the client to manage anxiety or anger in the moment.

   
   

3. Attachment-Based Therapies

   Relationships are influenced by our attachment styles. Identifying the attachment style of the client is key to helping them develop secure relationship behaviors. The goal is to encourage partners to openly discuss their vulnerabilities, increase emotional availability, and foster trust-building activities.​

   
   

4. Behavioral Interventions

   In behavioral technique, we expose the clients to jealousy triggers in a controlled setting, providing them with adequate support to reduce avoidance behaviors and compulsive reassurance seeking.​ Positive reinforcement is provided for trust-building actions and decreased controlling behaviors.

   
   

5. Couples Therapy

   Couples therapy is beneficial in getting a clear picture of one’s relationship, the patterns, power imbalances, boundaries, early relationship experiences, and unresolved conflicts. When both partners come forward to share their struggles, thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a safe space, it provides them with a venue for mutual understanding and building healthy relationship practices.​

   
   

6. Individual Therapy

   Often, jealousy and insecurity have a personal component. Jealousy rooted in deep-seated self-esteem issues, trauma, or past betrayals demands individual therapy alongside couple work. Couples therapy alone cannot make significant improvements in the relationship, unless the individual's personal source of such issues is correctly identified and addressed. Some techniques used in individual therapy include self-compassion, self-esteem building, reframing negative self-concepts, and processing past events.​

Our therapists are trained in providing couples therapy and individual therapy sessions for married and unmarried clients of various age groups. With the right kind of help, we believe that your relationship can be significantly different. We help you build a better relationship. It is also important to note that we are all insecure human beings at times. And that is normal. However, your feelings of insecurity should not develop into big chunks that negatively affect your individual self and relationships. 

Relationships are not meant to be perfect.

They are meant to be imperfectly, humanely, beautiful and fulfilling.

Don’t be ashamed to address relationship issues.

Book your session with Koott today.