Low Self-Esteem: Why You Never Feel Good Enough
- Ann Maria Thomson
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Picture yourself finishing a presentation. Afterwards, a colleague approaches you and says, “That was a really clear and engaging talk. I learned a lot!” How do you respond?
Accepts the compliment gracefully and responds with "Thank you, I appreciate that."
Rejects the compliment, saying, "It was nothing," or changing the subject.
Responding with A shows high self-esteem, while B indicates the need for self-reflection.
Low self-esteem is a common struggle many adolescents and adults face daily. Your self-esteem shapes daily experiences and your response to life events. Low self-esteem often manifests as persistent self-doubt and avoidance of personal value. They downplay themselves every time, and it stems from factors like social comparison, harsh criticism, and past trauma, eroding one's core sense of worth over time.
Imagine second-guessing something as simple as picking out a place to eat.
What Happens When You Have Low Self-Esteem? (Signs of Low Self-Esteem)
While it is common to get confused when several options are presented, people with low self-esteem struggle with indecisiveness, and they largely rely on others for direction. They anticipate failure in routine scenarios, fearing outcomes that haven't occurred, which results in chronic anxiety and hesitation. This paves the way for avoidance behaviors, such as staying in jobs or friendships out of fear of change. They may also develop people-pleasing tendencies, prioritizing others' needs over their own, often ignoring personal boundaries. They experience a strong sense of discomfort in social settings and remain fixated on perceived flaws such as weight or appearance. These patterns create a vicious cycle of self-neglect, where achievements are dismissed, and compliments rejected.
Causes of Low Self-Esteem
Social comparison is the main factor that fuels low self-esteem. Passing unfavorable judgments against others' posts/reels on social media or in person amplifies feelings of inadequacy. In the digital age, particularly, low self-esteem has become increasingly common among teenagers and adults due to cyberbullying.
Low self-esteem can also begin in childhood. Criticism, especially from childhood parents, teachers, relatives, or peers, instills beliefs of unworthiness, as repeated negative feedback impacts their self-perception.
Another main factor is trauma. Trauma can be caused by factors ranging from bullying, neglect, abuse, discrimination, to unmet basic needs. These deep scars affect their self-worth, particularly when experienced in early childhood, as the developing brain links pain to personal failure.
Other contributors include academic failures, financial struggles, or chronic health issues, each reinforcing a narrative of personal failure.
How does Low Self-Esteem Impact Us?
Effects on Relationships
Individuals with low self-esteem have an intense fear of rejection, which causes them to overanalyze interactions, withhold emotions, or tolerate mistreatment to "earn" love. People-pleasing behaviors are commonly observed in these individuals, which often leads to resentment and emotional exhaustion, while self-sacrifice burdens partners with constant validation demands. They might also avoid social commitments, which, over time, result in isolation and loneliness. Their underlying insecurity sparks defensiveness or bullying as overcompensation. Low self-esteem can strain relationships and, in the long run, may result in permanent damage to the relationships.
Effects on Work
Low self-esteem can cause significant impairment in one’s professional life as well. Low self-esteem manifests as perfectionism, overworking to prove value, and eventual burnout from saying yes to everything. The constant fear of failure prevents them from taking risks, innovating, or networking, which limits their promotions and collaboration opportunities. They live in a constant state of self-doubt, which eventually undermines their performance, with individuals downplaying successes, avoiding challenges, or blaming themselves for uncontrollable setbacks. This creates a cycle of underachievement, as indecisiveness hands control to others, stunting career growth.
What are some Negative Self-Talk Patterns we see in Individuals with Low Self-Esteem?
Overgeneralization:
One event predicts the outcome of future performances/events. One setback, like a missed promotion, becomes "I'll never succeed," predicting perpetual failure.
Personalization:
Assuming blame for events outside of one’s control. Taking personal blame for external events, such as a colleague's mood or team mishap, fosters guilt.
Mind reading:
The tendency to presume others' negative judgments without evidence. “I know my manager thinks I’m stupid because I answered one question wrong.”
Magnification and Minimization:
Magnification exaggerates the negative events, such as “I mispronounced a word in my presentation; my presentation became a complete disaster.” While minimization dismisses strengths or positive events, such as “I got this job because I’m lucky.”
All-or-nothing thinking:
Also known as black and white thinking, it labels slip-ups as total incompetence, and self-deprecation ignores achievements, blaming the self for others' issues. There is no grey or middle ground, only extremes. “If I get this job, I’m a total failure.”
Confidence vs Self-Worth: What’s the Difference?
No, they are not.
Confidence is situational, reflecting one’s competence in specific skills like public speaking, built through practice and successes. Self-worth, however, is intrinsic. It is a stable belief in one's inherent value regardless of performance, appearance, or approval. What happens when one has low self-esteem? Low self-esteem confuses the two, tying worth to external validation. Confidence may crumble with failure, but healthy self-worth endures. True resilience involves understanding that confidence can fluctuate, but self-worth remains a foundational anchor.
How to Improve Self-Esteem (Practical Steps)
It begins with self-awareness. Journaling is a useful technique that can be used to understand your negative thoughts, to identify patterns, and challenge them with evidence-based reframes.
Practice self-compassion through daily affirmations. It is essential that you treat yourself as a kind friend during setbacks.
Set small, achievable goals to build wins, like boundary-setting or hobby pursuits, celebrating progress without comparison.
Use social media wisely. Avoid comparing your life to the filtered lives you see online.
Surround yourself with supportive people who love you and see you as valuable and precious.
Mindfulness practices, meditation, yoga, or exercise are beneficial for emotional regulation. As you become more consistent in believing and appreciating yourself on a daily basis, your brain automatically rewires neural pathways over weeks to months, establishing a strong sense of self.
Therapy Options for Building Self-Esteem
While self-healing is the cornerstone for building strong self-esteem, often it is important that we seek the support of trained psychologists to help process the root cause of low self-esteem. Therapy accelerates healing by providing a safe space to understand and process the hidden roots, such as trauma.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a common technique used to dismantle distorted self-talk and replace it with healthier, reality-based, and balanced perspectives. Therapists help process criticism or abuse through trauma-focused therapeutic techniques like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), aiding in rebuilding self-worth via validation and skill-building. Group therapy fosters connection, reducing isolation and loneliness, while tools like boundary exercises improve relationships.
For severe cases tied to depression or anxiety, medication complements talk therapy. Professional guidance promises sustained change, as self-help alone often does not work against deep-seated beliefs.
Low self-esteem, though not a clinical disorder, requires a lot of attention. In a world of constantly feeling ‘not enough’, it is important that we find our truest selves and live with them.
Koott helps you build self-esteem that can withstand the storms, likes, and views.
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