Losing Yourself in a Relationship: How to Regain Identity

Who are YOU?

Close your eyes and answer this question. Not the usual introduction, i.e, your name, age, nationality, occupation, etc. Everyone has a name. Everyone has an age. Everyone has a nationality. So, we don’t want those go-to answers.

Who are YOU?

What sets YOU apart?

How are you different from everyone else?

What makes you, YOU?

If you can answer this question, GOOD JOB! You have a clear sense of identity. However, if you’ve failed to come up with points, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you lack a clear sense of who you are. Identity crises often occur during puberty as individuals navigate the transition from childhood to adulthood. This is quite common, and over time, they regain or build a stronger and unique identity. While this is a natural part of being human, losing identity or not having a strong sense of who you are at 40 is not that great, perhaps pretty depressing.

We have provided counseling sessions for married couples in our organization. One of the most important and common concerns, particularly among women, is the loss of identity. They don’t recognize who they are in a relationship. Imagine forgetting everything about yourself. You don’t remember your favorite dress, comfort food, your bucket list items, your favorite vacation spot, and more. How will that feel? Do you feel pleasant thinking about that situation?

Losing yourself in a relationship is equivalent to forgetting who YOU are. The human YOU are. The unique, 1 in 8 billion people on this planet. Losing individuality in a relationship is often overlooked as something positive. Something normal, an aftermath of a long-term relationship. Well, that’s a myth. Intimate relationships are special and valuable. They take up a lot of space in our lives as they require constant effort from the individuals involved. But sometimes, relationships take up more space than they should, causing significant distress in the lives of both parties involved in the relationship.   Losing yourself in a relationship can leave you feeling confused about yourself, your passion, interests, boundaries, and even identity. Hence, it is important to recognize and reverse this pattern for personal growth and maintain healthy relationships. 

Warning Signs You’ve Lost Yourself in a Relationship

• You are no longer interested in your hobbies, activities, or friendships outside the relationship.

• There’s no ‘ Me-time’. Avoids solo activities, where a partner or family isn’t involved.

• Decisions revolve around your partner’s preferences, not yours. You largely compromise, neglecting your own needs.  

• You suppress your emotions or opinions to keep the peace.

• You feel anxious, overwhelmed, or empty when alone, detached from your own wants or needs.

If you have read these signs and thought, “Oh, that’s me”, I have got some good news for you- there’s still time to regain YOU. To find yourself behind the old dusty walls. But before that, let’s understand the common causes of losing oneself in a relationship.

• Excessive Desire to Please-

Their mind are constantly finding ways to make their partner happy and fulfilled. While this is a positive thing in a relationship, constant partner pleasing behaviors can lead to self-sacrifice.

• Avoiding Conflicts-

They avoid voicing their needs, opinions, suggestions, and disagreements to keep the peace.

• No Alone Time-

They constantly spend time together and with their partner’s friend circles or social groups. They avoid going out with their own friend groups or on solo dates.

• Societal Expectations- 

Societal expectations and social pressures can also result in losing individuality in a relationship.

• Dependence-

Overdependence on your partner for emotional or financial support can erode your sense of individuality and self-worth.

• Lack of Self-Esteem-

The need for constant validation and lack of self-confidence can lead to further deterioration of personal identity.

How to Regain Your Identity in a Relationship

Building a strong sense of individuality makes you a stronger and better partner. It also enriches the quality of the relationship, ensuring both people grow and become better versions together without losing themselves.

• Keep Friendships Alive-

Nurture friendships and grow social networks outside the relationship.

• Set Boundaries-

Setting boundaries can ensure that your needs are met at the right time. Be clear about your limits and need for alone time.

• Pursue your Passions and Goals-

Be passionate and work towards following your passions, interests, or hobbies. Work towards achieving your personal goals.

• Check In-

Have a check-in time. Evaluate how you feel about your sense of self, challenges faced, and the changes to be made in the future to achieve a better experience in the future.

• Motivate your Partner-

Encourage each other to pursue activities of their choice. Please give them the space to grow and develop.

Other Activities you can do to Strengthen Individual Identity include:

• Schedule Solo Activities-

Be it alone time at a café or art gallery, schedule some time for yourself to be with yourself. Be it solo dates, fitness classes, or baking workshops, do what you enjoy.

• Personal Development-

Be it getting a promotion, learning crochet, or traveling to Italy, set personal goals unrelated to your relationship that can help you develop into a better and stronger version of yourself.

• Journal-

Journaling your values, dreams, challenges, or daily experiences can boost growth and development as well as highlight areas that need attention.

• Practice Self-Care-

Self-care is a necessity. Prioritize activities like nutrition, exercise, meditation, and so on that help in building resilience and strength.

• Say NO-

Practice the art of saying NO confidently, without any shame or guilt.

• Celebrate Your Achievements-

Be your biggest cheerleader. Appreciate yourself for the little achievements you make along the way.

• Open Communication-

Learn to communicate honestly about your needs and successes to your partner and encourage them to do the same. Appreciate your partner for their achievements, however little they may seem, and motivate them to keep going.

• Therapy- 

Therapy can help you dive deeper into your own self. Couples therapy is also beneficial in building confidence, clarity, and space for individual growth within a relationship.

If you’re someone struggling with identity issues or individuality within your relationship, Koott is there to help you navigate your way back and build healthier identities. Our team of psychologists can support you in maintaining healthier boundaries and strengthening your intimate relationship. 

Being a better half in a relationship is not enough.

Being a whole in a relationship is what matters.

A whole unique individual with another whole individual makes up a lasting, beautiful tomorrow.

Book your session with Koott today!